PERSUASION....NOT FORCE, WORKS BEST AND LASTS LONGER

Scarey day....

Yesterday for 12 hours I couldnt find my daughter. At first I was angry because I thought she was doing things , other, than what she was supposed to be doing. Then one of her friends told me she called around 1:00 and she had been stung by a bee and was swelling up. Her friend told me this at 3:oo !!! The bee allergy runs in my family but I had no idea if Casey had been stung ever before.....
Needless to say, I started calling everybody she knew, hospitals, the police. Every one was looking for her along the route she took to Lumberton. It turned out she took a different route and her phone battery was dead. Im glad some of her friends are really and truley good friends. I didnt want to worry my father, and I have no other family here, that I can turn to for help...But a few good people came to help look for her and keep me company.
Thankfully she made it home around 5:oo. She should have gone to a hospital....but she just kept trying to get home with swollen limbs and face.!! She pulled off the road and rested alot!! She got lost and it took her about ten hours to make a two hour trip !!!! Thank God she is safe.
Yesterday was a terrible...(What If Day ???!!!)

25

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CASEY !!!!

This is Over

I never knew how to mentaly adjust to my sister being imbalanced. I dont with my own child either.... For my sanity and peace of mind, I had to leave my sister out of my life. Iam being forced to do the same for my daughter. She thinks Iam a danger to her and her children. I cannot fight her in "her world". So I will conceed to being crazy and dangerous. I will absolve her of any wrong doing and take resposibility for our problems. I would never knowingly do her harm. So now that she has convinced me of my instability....I will ask for her forgivness. I will stay out of her life. I know she has a great network of friends and family (according to her belief)... so she has no need or use for me. Okay... Okay...Okay...I get it.
I hope one day she will see this departure of myself, as a genuine gesture of my love for her. If she can only see pain and distrust when she looks at me....Then the best that I can do for her is to not let her be exposed to me anymore. I would be willing to go see the same person she has had an evaluation with..... Im sure she would not accept the oppinion of anyone else. But Im assuming thats a nogo with her. I have to face this alone, and I will. My last wish for her would be to find goodness and happiness....

memory

Memory can play false for anyone. The mind can create its own story, its own pictures. I fear that if Ash keeps repeating HER story, it will become the only truth she will know. I have a sister who is just like that. Some people can convince themselves of anything. Its heart-breaking because no matter what you try to say to them....they cannot hear you anymore.
I have a story...she has a story...Which of us has ironed out the many wrinkles that made the landscape of our life together ? Which of us has changed the whole fabric of our lives?

Signs

How far back can I look for the signs that my child had a problem ? For sure... at least in high school ... But I remember what a beautiful baby she was. Easy to take care of. She was very funny and loving. Very smart , actually considered a gifted child. I remember walking with her to Luigi's and laughing and talking a lot. I thought I was a very blessed parent. Both my daughters loved and trusted me. I could withstand anything because we always had each other. I never thought that could change.
One of the hardest things I have had to face was loosing my baby brother...he loved my daughters more than anyone. It has been many years, but I still miss him everyday. I wished he could have met my grand-children. He would have been wonderful to them. Im glad he can not see what has become of my relationship with Ash. I know it would have almost broken his heart to see how she feels about me. How can she not want me or her sister to be the ones to stand at her back when things get rough ? She should remember that even if she is wrong...I would still love her.
How do you fix a broken thing....when you dont have the tools or knowledge ????

letting go.....

I have removed pictures of Ashley and her children from my sight. Can anyone out there tell me how to cope with her ? Who has the answer to such a devastating problem ? I have run out of steam to try to make sense out of what has become of our relationship.
I quit.
Im done.
No more.
I need a break from the heartache. I will miss my grand-children....C-----, J------, A---. I hope they will never think things about their mother....like she does me. I can only hope and pray that she gets the help she needs. I thought that little moments with C, J, & A, would keep me going. I thought I had enough strength to withstand the hurt and humiliation Ashley was willing to dish out to me...to be a part time grand-mother at her angry whims. I thought I should just be grateful for the moments she would be generous toward me.
So what ? Im her mother....should I just stand still and let her nail me to the cross because I think she has a emotional disorder of some kind ? She doesnt even use nails...she has screws!!
I cant stand still for the torture anymore...just because she is my child...that excuse is wearing very thin these days. How much is a woman supposed to bleed for her offspring ?